Give me a reason not to hate you!
I was there for you
You used me
I gave you friendship
You abused it
I trusted you
You betrayed me
And when I confronted you
You lied to me!
You called me a bitch
A liar
And accused me of ruining your life!
Well what about mine?
You took a part of me
That can never be replaced
It was not yours to take
But you took it anyway
And shattered it in a million pieces
Then discarded it
Like yesterday's trash!
What did I do
To deserve such pain?
And why?
I ended our relationship
Because of your sadistic abuse
In treating me with little respect
And no concern
And enjoying your petty torments on me.
When I found someone who loved me
And treated me with the respect
And love I deserved
You slipped away
And bided your time....
A night when you knew 
I was alone
You stopped by to visit
With no intention
Of letting me go
But I was your friend
And you were charming
We had fun times
That all dissolved into the night
Along with any trust
And innocence I had ~
The memory of the TV
That echoed in my mind
While you took away
Pieces of my innocence
On my lounge room floor
Then carried me crying
Into my bedroom
For another round!
Why?
I showered and washed
And still I could not clean you 
Away from me!
The feeling of violation
Of invasion
And intrusion into my soul
To be defiled
And debauched
So violated
And not feel clean again ~
Have you any idea what that feels like?
NO!
What did you think it would do?
Convince me
Of your undying love;
Your devotion;
Your need for me?
What did you hope to achieve?
That I would go back to you
And live on eggshells once again?
I don't think so.
I had a life
And someone to love
And you took both from me
With your lies and betrayal
That threw me into confusion!
You made me think that I was to blame,
That I encouraged it
And wanted it
And enjoyed it
That I then shifted the blame
To cover my own guilt
Of being unfaithful to my love
And to myself ~
NOT!
And you know
I lost the support
Of those I trusted,
I didn't know who they believed
But it didn't feel like me.
And in the midst of my confusion
I loss the belief in myself
And that of the love I had
Thinking that he couldn't trust me?
Could I trust myself?
How dare you!
You took him away from me
To make the way clear for yourself?
After that
Nothing in my life
Looked the same
Everything seemed different
Like life had stopped for me
Yet everything kept on moving on
Without me....
While as the last pieces of happiness
Faded from view
You took from my life
All my love
Joy
Laughter
Happiness
And replaced them with 
Shame
Pain
Loneliness
Emptiness
A deep sense of nothingness
At the centre of my soul
All for what?
A few moments pleasure
for yourself....?
How can I ever forgive you?
You took something from me
That I can never
EVER get back....
Now I feel
No love without fear
No trust without betrayal
No happiness without cynicism ~

So....give me a reason,
Because I can't think of ONE!

© Christina
13th March, 2001
 

"This was a hard poem to write ~ to put down all my feelings and thoughts on what I experienced nearly ten years ago.   To remember the memory, and to write about it.  Many poems I wrote at the time reflected an emptiness and depression that are dark and depressing to read even now.  Here, I confront him in my mind and imagination ~ and ask him why?   Although we were once an "item" we remained friends....and it has remained puzzling to me why he did this.   He was always a dark person with a charming nature and he veiled his sadistic side to all but me.  In his dysfunctional mind, I guess he thought I'd go back to him....for I was his first love.   And he has since hidden himself in a lifestyle that is as dark and depressing as he became.  I cannot get over what he did to me, and I don't think I could forgive him."