I have been crossdressing since I was 14, and enjoy this more and more now that I am becoming more feminine with every capsule I take.
I have asked myself what I want for myself over the next year. Normally I would like these things to be planned. Some of them can be a little scary to the uninitiated, but as I have expressed such a strong desire to realize my dream I think I can finally go through with this. I have reached that level and I want to do anything to both mind and body. In 12 to 18 months it will be impossible for anyone to tell that I were once a man.
I want to have my waistline narrowed and my hips enlarged. I will have a soft and feminine face. And of course I will have beautiful and impossible to ignore breasts. Finally, and most importantly, I want my hated male genitalia replaced with a vagina and clitoris.
But the physical changes are in many ways the easiest part of my work. It would be of little to benefit to me if I simply remained a man in a woman’s body. I know it is going to be very difficult to adjust because women benefit from the long apprenticeship of childhood, learning their femininity from their mothers and the other females in their lives.
I can't imagine as yet how difficult it is going to be, but within a year to 18 months I want to be totally locked within the servile and ultra-feminine persona that the universe is creating for me.
My new name will be Alexandra, and let me tell you a little about who and what I am going to be.
Eventually I will be employed by a very wealthy female Lady. I can already tell you just exactly who She will be, but suffice it to say that in my eyes she will be the most beautiful woman I have ever known.
I will dedicate every waking moment to ensuring that she is happy, healthy and content. I will have no sexual feeling for her, of course, or for any woman for that matter; this would only compromise my role as a servant. I will admire her, though. In my heart of hearts, I will wish that I could be her.
Everything that she touches - her clothes, her undergarments, her makeup, her shoes, and her jewelry, even the furniture she sits upon will be dearer to me than my own life.
I will be nothing, while She will be God, the Universe, all that is good and beautiful and worthy of being loved. My existence would have no meaning if it were not for Her. If she is in the least displeased with my behaviour it will be as if someone were twisting a knife inside my chest. I will have no peace of mind until she restores me to her good graces. Even the slightest frown or look of disappointment can drive me to tears of despair for not having perfectly served her.
I will work very very hard. My days will be filled with cleaning, washing, vacuuming, cooking, ironing, sweeping, laying out clothes, picking up clothes, putting away clothes, dusting, emptying trash, doing dishes, mopping, brushing my Mistresses hair, serving meals, serving coffee, making snacks, scouring toilets, making beds, day after day after day, seven days a week, three hundred and sixty five days a year. What little time I have for yourself will be spent looking at the pictures in women's magazines or fussing with my appearance. I will keep myself lean and trim. My undergarments and uniforms will always be immaculate. My makeup will always be fresh and perfectly applied.
And sometimes, when it is late at night and I am not too exhausted from my long day of service, I will pleasure myself in a manner consistent with the abject feminine consciousness I have created for myself.
I will find myself fantasizing exclusively about men: strong and powerful men who are as strong as I am weak, who are as hard and forceful as I am soft and submissive, men alone or men in groups who see me only as a sexual object, men who want to possess my body in every conceivable way again and again and again.
As time passes I will naturally want to make my fantasies real. Perhaps my mistress will give me a night off now and then. Perhaps she will buy me new clothing, because she wants me to be seen in the latest fashion outfits no castaway clothing. Perhaps I will put on a tight dress and high heels and spend an evening looking for male companionship at a local bar. All will be possible once I am a woman.
I know that I have lived a cultured life and are well educated. I do not read many novels, but have read a lot of technical manuals, and speak several languages. I am accustomed to thinking deeply about things, to making decisions based on reason and analysis and my great storehouse of knowledge. All of this will change.
I know this is very hard for me to imagine, and it might be more than a little frightening as well, but be assured that all this is for very good reasons. I will simply be much happier if I don’t have to think very much. How many college graduates are content to be maids? Being a woman will be the most important and treasured thing in my life, next to my mistress’s happiness. And I shouldn’t be afraid. The process is gradual, somewhat in synchronization with the changes in my body.
As my breasts become bigger and bigger thanks to the hormones, my mind will become smaller and smaller thanks to the other medication and treatments I will receive. Memories and experience will vanish like ghosts in the dark. In their place will appear simple concepts and feelings similar to those of an attractive young woman.
Have you ever noticed how much little girls worship their mothers? How they want to look and act like them? How they follow them around the house trying to be helpful? How they want to look pretty and be loved? Those are the feelings that I soon will have, feelings towards the woman whom I will serve and adore for the rest of my life.
So there it is. I would ask myself if I still wanted to go through with it, but I know that it is too late for second thoughts. I have been unhappy as a man, but now things are going to be better. I look forward to the next 12 to 18 months. 12 to 18 months to make sure I have my affairs in order, because I will never be returning to my present life ever again.
signed:
Alexandra
Date: 1 August 2007
